


Harry and the Amazing Technicoloured Invisibility Cloak

by iamisaac



Category: Doctor Who, Harry Potter - Fandom, Joseph And His Technicolour Dreamcoat
Genre: Gen, crackfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-20
Updated: 2015-11-20
Packaged: 2018-05-02 14:29:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5251709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamisaac/pseuds/iamisaac





	Harry and the Amazing Technicoloured Invisibility Cloak

**Narrator:** Way way back many Potter books ago  
Not long after the 90s began  
Harry lived in the house of Dursley  
A fine example of a put upon man.

Weasley, Weasley and sons  
They rescued poor Harry from his mean old Aunt  
Weasley, Weasley and sons  
Didn’t know the meaning of the word ‘can’t.’

Arthur was the father of the family of Weasley  
With Molly his wife as the one in his life  
Bill and Charlie were born first with Percy born next  
Fred and George twins took the total to five.

Weasley, Weasley and sons  
Ronald was another that took it to six  
Weasley, Weasley and sons  
Except then they had a daughter, which looked like a fix.

Weasley, Weasley and sons  
Depended on magic to earn their keep  
Weasley, Weasley and sons  
Extended the Burrow so they could all sleep.

 

**Dumbledore:** Harry’s father, he was quite my favourite boy  
I never really loved someone with so much joy  
And Harry was my pride because he reminded me of him.

**Narrator:** Through young Harry, Albus lived his youth again.  
Loved him, praised him, gave him all he could, but then  
It made Severus feel second best  
And even if he was…

**Severus and Lucius:** Being told we’re also rans  
Does not make us Potter fans.

**Narrator:** But where they have really missed the boat is:

**Severus and Lucius** : We’re great guys but no one seems to notice.

**Narrator:** Harry’s charm and winning smiles  
Failed to slay them in the aisles  
And Headmaster couldn’t see the danger  
Though he imagined oh so many dangers  
But he saw in Harry prophecy come true.

 

**Narrator:** Albus wanted to treat young Harry like his son  
To make it clear that Harry was the special one.  
So Albus gave the boy a cloak  
Invisibility cloak to wear.

Harry’s cloak was magical, the cut was fine  
It made him invisible in the ultimate of good design  
And this was why he didn’t catch the eye  
No one would stop and stare.

And when Harry tried it on,  
He knew his nervous days were gone  
Such a stunning cloak of many uses  
How he loved his cloak of many uses  
It was red and yellow and green and brown and blue.

**Narrator:** Next day, far from home  
Death Eaters planned a repulsive crime.

**Death Eaters** : Let’s grab Harry now:  
Do him in whilst we’ve got the time.

**Narrator:** This they tried within the Ministry  
Lured him in and tried to break his knees.  
But Harry’s friends turned up  
And protected him to a man.  
Thus was Lucius caught,  
And he was thrown in Azkaban.  
Taken by surprise and put in jail.  
It was hard for him to know that he had failed.

 

**Death Eaters** : Voldey we’ve something to tell you  
A story of our time  
A tragic but inspiring tale  
Of fuck ups of our time.

You know we went for the Potter boy,  
Well that didn’t quite work out.  
But feel no anger, do not yell  
We hate it when you shout.

There’s one Death Eater in prison  
There’s one less here by your side.  
Lucius, we’ll never forget you,  
But you might wish that you had just died.

There’s one less place in our circle.  
There’s one more tear in our eye.  
But Lucius, the things that you stood for  
Like pure-blood arrogance never die.

When we think of his last great battle,  
A lump comes to our throat.  
It takes a man who’s fucked up bad  
To blame it on a goat.

His black pimp cane is tribute to  
His final sacrifice  
His body may be far from here  
But it isn’t very nice.

There’s one less place in our circle.  
There’s one more tear in our eye.  
But Lucius, the things that you stood for  
Like Slytherin cunning never die.

Carve his name with pride and courage  
Let no tear be shed.  
If he had not taken all the blame  
You might have killed us instead.

**Chorus:** Lucius was taken to Azkaban in chains and bound.  
Lucius was taken to Azkaban in chains and bound.  
Where he was put in a prison with lots of guards  
Where he was put in a prison with lots of guards.

**Lucius** :Close every door to me,  
Hate me – don’t laugh at me  
Darken my daylight, and that is all right.  
Do what you want with me  
Except – just don’t laugh at me.  
I don’t like daytime, and I don’t like night.

But my life is important. I  
Shall ask ‘will I live or die’?  
But I know the answer lies with the Dark Lord.

Close every door to me,  
Keep those who love from me  
Pure-blood Malfoys are never alone.  
For I know I shall find  
An escape in my mind  
For I have been promised a land of my own.

 

**Narrator:** Lucius’s luck was really out  
His spirit and his fortune low.  
Alone he sat, alone he thought  
Of Muggle torture he used to know.

Hey, Lucius, don’t be so upset.  
Hey, luscious, you’re not beaten yet.  
Go go go Lucius, you know what they say!  
Hang on there Lucius, you’ll make it some day.  
Sha-la-la Lucius, you’re doing fine.  
You and the Malfoys, ahead of your time.

 

**Narrator:** Voldey, he was a powerful man  
With the ancient world in the palm of his hand.  
To all intents and purposes he  
Was the Dark Lord – with a capital D.

Whatever he did he was showered with praise.  
If he killed a Muggle then you chortled for days.  
No one had rights or a vote but the Lord  
And if you objected then you died by the sword.

When Voldey’s around  
Then you get down on the ground.  
If you ever find yourself near Voldemort  
Remember you are naught.

**Chorus:** A Voldey story, a Voldey story.  
A Voldey story, a Voldey story.

**Narrator** : Down at the other end of the scale  
Lucius is still spending time in jail.  
But even though he is in Azkaban  
Don’t forget, he is really The Man.

Strange as it seems  
There’s been some very funny themes  
And a man who’s very cunning could go far  
Could become a star

**Chorus** : He’ll be famous, he’ll be a big success.  
He’ll be famous, he’ll be a big success.

 

**Narrator** : Guess what, in his bed  
Voldey had an uneasy night  
He had had a thought  
That pinned him to the sheet with fright.

No one knew the answer to this thought.  
What to do – can mercenaries be bought?  
Then Death-Eaters said “What about old Lucius M.  
He is kind of cool, might have a way of finding them”  
Voldey said: 

**Voldey:** Well fetch this Lucius man.  
I need him to help me if he can.

**Chorus** :Poor poor Voldey, don’t know what to do  
That is rather poo, mate, don’t know what to do.

**Narrator** : Chained and bound but not afraid  
Lucius knew his career was made.

**Lucius:** My service to Voldey has resumed  
I knew this would happen – something loomed.

 

**Voldey** : Well I was wandering along by the banks of the Great lake  
When seven strange creatures came out of the lake, uh-huh huh

**Death Eaters** : Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

**Voldey** : And right behind these weird metal creatures came  
One man called Davros, and he was such a fake, uh-huh huh

**Death Eaters** : Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

 

**Voldey:** Well Davros was in charge,  
which seemed really odd, uh-huh huh

 

**Death Eaters** : Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

**Voldey:** But the other creatures all obeyed  
and seemed to think that he was a god.

**Death Eaters** : Bab sha-waddy-wah! Bob-bob sha-waddy-wah!

**Voldey** : But Davros kept singing and they couldn’t ever really shut him up….  
Well this thought has got me baffled  
Hey, Lucius, won’t you tell me what it means?

Hey, hey, hey Lucius  
Won't you tell poor old Voldey  
What do these crazy thoughts mean?  
Oh yeah!

 

**Lucius** : Seven years of Dalek rule are on their way  
Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay  
Your farms will boom, there won’t be room  
To store the surplus food you grow  
After that, the future doesn’t look so bright  
Dalek plans will devastate us over night  
And famine’s hand will stalk the land  
With food an all-time low.

My Dark Lord, there is no doubt  
What your thoughts are all about  
All these things you thought about last night  
Are an urging to do what is right

And I’m sure it’s crossed your mind  
What it is you have to find.  
Find these creatures to lead you to great power  
They could get it done within the hour.  
But why they’ll work for you  
I just don’t know.  
But why they’ll work for you  
I just don’t know.  
But why they’ll work for you  
I just don’t know…

 

**Narrator** : Voldey said - 

**Voldey** : Well stone the crows,  
This Lucius is a clever kid  
Who'd have thought that metal things  
Could mean the things he said they did?  
Lucius you must help me further;  
I have got a job for you  
You shall make them be my subjects -  
You shall be my number two. 

**Narrator** : Lucius actually really managed  
To persuade the Dalek king  
That the Dark Lord was his master  
And they’d want to work for him.  
Lucius got a place of power -  
Daleks were his happy slaves.  
He had promised them the Muggles  
If they’d be quite well behaved.

 

Lucius, Lucius -  
Voldey's number two  
Lucius, Lucius -  
We all look to you 

Seven summers on the trot  
Were perfect just as Lucius said.  
Lucius saw that food was gathered  
Ready for the years ahead.  
Seven years of trouble followed  
Voldey didn't mind a bit.  
The first recorded rationing  
In history was a hit. 

**Random fangirls** : Lucius, how can we ever say  
All that we want to about you?  
We're so glad that you came our way  
We would have perished without you.

**Voldey:** Lucius, we are the perfect team  
Old buddies, that's you and me  
I was wise to have chosen you  
You'll be wise to agree 

**Random fangirls:** Lucius, how can we ever say  
All that we want to about you?  
We're so glad that you came our way  
We would have perished without you

**Voldey:** We were in a rumpus  
Would have baffled Albus.  
But now we're a partnership  
It's just a piece of cake .

**Random fangirls** : Greatest man since Noah -  
Only goes to show-ah… 

**Lucius** : If you are a Malfoy, you can make it  
If you get a lucky break. 

**Narrator:** This could be a happy ending,  
Perfect place to stop the show.  
Lucius after all has gone  
About as far as he can go .  
But I'm sure that you will think of  
Harry, Ronald, Fred and Bill  
How had famine hit the people  
Lucius tried to kill?

 

**Narrator:** So at the Burrow the future looked rough  
Arthur’s family were finding it tough.

**Weasleys + Harry** : For the Daleks have caught us unprepared:  
We are thin, we are ill, we are getting scared.

**Narrator** : So they finally decided to go  
And to see if they’d reap what they’d sowed.  
So they all lay before Lucius’s feet…

**Weasleys + Harry:** Mighty Prince give us something to eat.

**Narrator** : Lucius found it a strain not to laugh because  
Not a Weasley among them knew who he was.

**Lucius** : I shall now get revenge to a man  
Since they were why I was at Azkaban.

 

How do I know where you come from:  
You could be spies.  
Telling me that you are hungry:  
That could be lies.  
How do I know who you are?

**Weasleys + Harry:** Grovel, grovel, cringe beg stoop fall  
Worship, worship, beg kneel sponge crawl.

We are just the Weasley brothers -  
And Harry, too.  
Though we know we count for nothing  
When up next to you.  
Honesty’s our middle name.  
Life is slowly ebbing from us,  
Hope's almost gone  
It's getting very hard to see us  
From sideways on 

Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall  
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

**Lucius** : I rather like the way you’re talking  
It’s what I like to hear  
Suddenly your touching story  
Gets me right here.

**Weasleys + Harry:** This is what we hoped you’d say.

**Lucius:** All this begging at my bootstraps  
Seems quite justified.  
I will give you what you came for,  
And much more besides.

**Weasleys + Harry:** Grovel, grovel, cringe, bow, stoop, fall  
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl 

Thank you, thank you, cringe, bow, stoop, fall  
Worship, worship, beg, kneel, sponge, crawl

**Narrator** : Lucius handed them sackloads of food  
And they grovelled in base gratitude  
Then unseen Lucius crept out around the back  
And planted a Dalek in Harry’s sack.  
When the Weasleys were ready to go,  
Lucius turned to them all with a terrible stare and said

**Lucius:** No! No! No no no!

 

Stop, you robbers, your little game is checked.  
One of you has stolen my precious Dalek Sec.

**Narrator** : Lucius started searching through the Weasley sacks  
Everyone was nervous; no one could relax.

**Chorus** : Who’s the thief, who’s the thief  
Who’s the thief, who’s the thief?

**Narrator:** Is it Arthur? No!  
Is it Molly? No!  
Is it Charlie? No!  
Is it Bill? No.

Is it Percy? No!  
Are you sure there? No!  
Is it Ronald? No!  
Is it Gin?

Could it be, could it be,  
Could it be, could it be  
Could it actually be the Potter boy?

**Chorus** : YES YES YES

**Lucius:** Harry P, you nasty youth,  
Your crime has shocked me to the core  
Never in my whole career  
Have I encountered this before  
Guards, seize him! Lock him in a cell  
Throw the keys into the Nile as well

**Narrator:** Each of the Weasleys fell to their knees

**Weasleys** : Show him some mercy, oh mighty one please!  
He would not do this, he must have been framed  
Jail us or beat us, we should be blamed.

 

Oh no - not he  
How can you accuse him is a mystery  
Save him - take me  
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree 

**Ron** : I hear the steel drums sing their song  
They're singing ‘man you know you've got it wrong’  
I hear the voice of the yellow bird  
Singing in the tree ‘this is quite absurd’

**Weasleys:** Oh yes, It’s true  
Harry P is sexy as a big bamboo  
No ifs, men’s butts  
Harry P is fond of men with massive nuts 

**Ron:** Sure as the tide wash the golden sand  
Mr P is an innocent man  
Sure as bananas need the sun  
We are the criminal guilty ones 

**Weasleys:** Oh no, not he  
How you can accuse him is a mystery  
Save him, take me  
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree

Oh no, not he  
How you can accuse him is a mystery  
Save him, take me  
Potter is gayer than the tall palm tree

 

**Narrator:** And Lucius knew by this the Weasleys still were honest guys  
The time had come at last to execute them by surprise.

**Lucius** : Don’t you recognise my face: is it hard to see  
That Lucius – who you thought was dead – your enemy is me!

**Weasleys and Harry** : Lucius, Lucius, is it really you?  
Lucius, Lucius, tell us it’s not true!  
Lucius…. Lucius….

**Dalek Sec:** EXTERMINATE!

 

**Narrator** : And Lucius went to meet him with a Dalek dressed in gold.  
In gold. In gold. In GOLD.

**Lucius** : I closed my eyes, drew back the curtain  
To see for certain  
What I thought I knew.

Far far away, lots of people crying  
With their loved ones dying,  
Any dream will do.

I wore his cloak  
**Davros + Daleks:** He wore his cloak  
**Lucius:** With happy sighing  
Knowing Potter was dying –  
Wonderful and true.

And in the East,  
**Davros + Daleks:** And in the East  
**Lucius** : The dawn was waking  
And the Muggles were breaking,  
Any dream will do.

A flash of light, Avada K  
My precious dreams were flung away  
The Daleks faded into darkness  
I was left alone….

May I return  
**Davros + Daleks:** May I return  
**Lucius** : To the beginning  
Do lots of singing  
Cos the Malfoys won.

 

Give me a lot of praise,  
An enormous lot of praise.  
Give me a lot of praise  
For the Dark Lord rules OK!


End file.
